In my business practice and in my everyday life, I’m often asked the question “What is Tantra?”. What follows straight after, is curiosity: “Is Tantra for me?” and “What can it do for my life?”. This is due to the fact that as a sex coach and Tantra teacher, I speak to a lot of men and women who crave something more profound, more connected and more pleasurable in their bedrooms. In the world lacking proper sexual education and highly influenced by porn, we have an inner yearning for intimacy which isn’t rushed or genitally-focused but beautiful, deep and ecstatic.
So what is Tantra?
Tantra is ancient Hindu philosophy which encourages us to slow down, to remain much more present and to connect to the divine aspect in all of us. Tantric lovers use rituals and practices which support them in connecting not only through their bodies but also through their hearts, minds, souls and energies. They look deeply into each other’s being in order to honour and worship each other through eye-gaze, touch and presence.
Tantra is a beautiful antidote to the routine that develops in many romantic relationships. It offers us simple to use, tried and tested practices to deepen intimacy, increase desire and communicate in a more open and authentic way. This beautiful art of conscious, sacred sexuality has been practiced for thousands of years by Tantric couples in order to achieve authentic love, deep passionate connection and spiritual enlightenment. And absolutely anybody today can draw from the experience and ancient knowledge of Tantric lovers.
In the words of one of the students of my online courses: “Tantra offers a treasure chest of tools for personal development for both singles and couples!”.
So if you’re getting a little bit curious, I’d like to invite you to give Tantra a go by creating a simple ritual of connection and love. I have taught this 5-step process to many couples during my coaching sessions and it can be performed by partners anytime as it doesn’t require a lot of preparation. Ideally it should be scheduled for when both of you can relax and take your time. It can even be a fun prelude to intercourse! Each step can take between a few minutes and half an hour, depending on your willingness to surrender, drop deep and enjoy yourselves. The key is to relax, be open to whatever happens and remain connected to each other.
Step 1: Create a sacred space
Turn your bedroom (or any other area in the house) into a temple of love. Tidy up and spread out comfortable cushions and blankets. You can even bring flowers, light incense sticks or diffuse essential oils. Don’t use the ceiling lights as they’re usually too harsh. Instead, light a few candles or bring dimmed lamps. Put soft, relaxing, sensual music on that will play for at least an hour. Make sure the temperature is comfortable so that both of you can undress at any point if you wish!
Step 2: Clear your minds
Start with 5-10 minutes of a meditative practice. If you’re not sure how to meditate, simply close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Keep breathing deeply into your belly while consciously letting go of any thoughts.
When we try to connect intimately right after having a busy day, often the energy of our full-on schedules will keep pulling as away from each other, as thoughts about work, tasks and other commitments will enter our minds. A few minutes of conscious, abdominal breathing will help you both remain much more present with each other.
Step 3: Open your hearts to each other
When your bodies meet on a purely physical level – you have sex. But when you mix your pleasure and arousal with your loving, emotional energy – you create love-making. Take turns telling each other what you love about each other. Be specific, recall particular instances when your partner made you feel loved, cared for and nurtured. Dig deep into your heart, allow yourself to feel all the love you have for each other and then let the words of appreciation, gratitude and joy flow between the two of you.
Step 4: Eye-gaze
Look deeply into each other’s eyes using a soft, gentle gaze. You’re allowed to blink and close your eyes if you need to, this exercise should not be an effort. Look into the left eye of your beloved (and instruct them to do the same) as the left eye is more receptive, it is the gateway to the soul. You can also try the right eye to see if it feels better – there is no right or wrong here. Try to eye-gaze between 5 and 15 minutes - setting an alarm on your phone is a good idea. It will feel like a long time at first until you really connect and this connection will feel wonderful and delicious. To enhance the exercise, synchronize your breathing so that you inhale and exhale at the same time.
Step 5: Sit in Yab-yum
Yab-yum is a traditional tantric position intended to bring lovers close in a deeply sensual, intimate way. The man sits down comfortably (usually in a cross-legged position) and his partner sits in his lap facing him and embracing him with her arms and legs. Both can be clothed or naked.
As they synchronize their breathing and look into each other’s eyes, they allow this deep experience of union to grow and deepen. There is nothing to do, nothing to achieve in this beautiful embrace. The lovers hold each other for the pure joy and bliss of being together,
of appreciating and celebrating this special moment.
From this point on you can move on to gently touching and kissing each other. There is absolutely no requirement here to make love but many couples do as the rituals creates a deep yearning to give in completely to their sexual union.
Above all, Tantra is about taking your time. The more you slow down - the more pleasure you will feel. When you do not rush, the body gets a chance to fully experience and notice the depth of each sensation, shiver and vibration. Tantric sex is a feast of pleasure and as long as you’re both experiencing a lot of it, you’re on the right track!
Helena Nista is one of Australia’s leading sexperts and Tantra teachers. She is a mentor, author, speaker and lover. She is a certified sex therapist and Tantra practitioner. She is passionate about helping her clients overcome any sexual difficulties, become amazing lovers and create great sex lives.
Helena works with men, women and couples who want to improve their sex lives. She empowers people to experience sex as natural, healthy and utterly beautiful.
Learn more about Helena here: https://helenanista.com/