I have always been an affection junkie. I would frankly do a lot for a cuddle!
But there have been plenty of times in my life when the affection I crave wasn’t available.
Modern society doesn’t lend itself towards us living in a connected, loving way of being.
We get too busy, we get too tired, we don’t always have someone around who wants to be affectionate whether we are coupled or single.
When I did a year and a half of long distance relationship it felt like a part of me had died or gone dormant deep inside. I felt shut down and stressed out. We all make jokes about the cranky person at work who comes in cheerful one day ‘must have got laid’ and I was painfully aware I was becoming that person.
Have you ever experienced anything like this? For me this has happened periodically in my life. When I was back with my partner sometimes it was even worse! If we went for too long without having any intimacy I would start to feel deeply rejected and resentful. Things could get super charged and tense and we could almost get gridlocked in an affection stand-off. It got so bad I wondered if we were even right for each other, or if we were going to grow old living with twin beds having not even hold hands for decades...
The game changer for me was learning I could give myself the love and connection. That I could create all the same chemical responses in my body and make myself feel amazing. It took tall the pressure off needing someone else to give me this and when that happened - I attracted a lot more of it!
The energy we bring is the the energy we attract. This is why when we’re in a relationship, or even a job, it can feel like we’re attracting other people or opportunities so much more easily and then we’re single and it’s like a vast tunderland of disinterest.... Anyway...
When I learned I could give myself love and connection everything changed!
You can give yourself love and connection. This is deep healing for your body, heart and soul.
Here are 3 ways you can do it (alone or with a partner):
Bliss practice - sending love and compliments to your body and imagining you are filling up every part and every cell with love or a positive feeling of your choice (joy, peace, vitality, radiance). You can smile at each part of your body, no matter how positive or challenging your relationship with it, and send it some love. You can do this naked in front of the mirror for extra points, or do it in bed or in the bath. You can do it with a partner and you might be surprised to hear what they love!
Sensual practice - go for slow massage (yes you can totally self massage, even if you just do your feet or hands - google it). Take at least 20 mins and make it really slow and delicious.
Ecstatic practice - slow turning on - yourself or taking turns with someone else. The rules are - no electrical toys and no climaxing for at least 20 mins. You can use your jade egg, orgasmic massage, or a blend of sensual and sexual. If you’re with a partner you can take turns giving each other 20 mins of whatever touch they would like to feel. So good!
The important this is to go slow. If you go too fast you’ll miss out on the deliciously yummy chemicals your brain releases in response to love - the oxytocin, dopamine, all that good stuff that gives you the glow and feeling of love in your body.
When I started doing this, here’s what happened
I stopped being needy
I became more magnetic to others
My health improved
I felt genuine love and appreciation for my body
My self esteem and confidence sky rocketed
I believe this is essential self care for every human! If you can give yourself this once a week you will be amazed how your life with change in subtle but wonderful ways.
If you want to learn more about this, connect with me via Website, Facebook, Instagram or Email
Lots of love,
Ruth is the founder of Intimacy for Intrepid Souls and an Integrated Love, Sex and Relationships coach, writer, yoga teacher, speaker and feminine energy expert.
She has spent a decade and over 10,000 hours of teaching, studying and personal experience to create powerful offerings for people wanting to improve their intimate lives.
Her programs draw on this extensive experience and training. Ruth integrates tantric and Tsoaist practices (breath work, eye gazing and jade egg are examples) practices with modern teachings from psychology and science on emotions, attachment, trauma, and the brain to bring light to our sexual shadow and healing on a level that is relevant to the particular challenges of our modern lives.
Ruth is approachable, warm, real, deeply respectful and funny. She is dedicated to teaching the you tools you need to thrive in your sex, love, relationships and life.